I suppose that because my blog will often be geared towards parenting/my experience with motherhood, it might make sense to kick it off with an overview of my becoming-and-being-a-mom story.
Yes, most of us know how babies are typically made. We can skip that part.
I don’t believe in sugarcoating it: my daughter was a surprise. That said, I can truly say that when I found out I was pregnant, a part of me was overjoyed and even more so relieved. At age 14 I was told by a health professional that I would not be able to have kids, point blank. Those words stayed with me up until I was near my third trimester and my pregnancy was considered medically viable. They were the reason I stressed about the regularity of my period, avoided things that were deemed to cause infertility, and chose to go off birth control years before my daughter was conceived. When I was ready, I didn’t want there to be any barriers to giving myself and my partner the best shot.
Anyway. My daughter was conceived in late August 2022…just 3 months before my then-fiancé and I were planning to get married. Were we being careful? No. Was part of me wondering if I could get pregnant? Yes. Was there regret there when the reality of having a child so soon into our first year of marriage hit me? Also yes.
I plan to write more on this in detail, but pregnancy was rough. Physically, yes, but more so mentally for me. I know that the unplanned nature of my pregnancy was part of it, but I experienced prenatal depression starting midway through my first trimester. It only got worse once my husband and I were married and I no longer had a wedding to distract me from the reality I was in. I’m going to be a mom in six months. There is going to be another human being to take care of! Actually birthing a child also scared the crap out of me.
Though I struggled mentally throughout most of my pregnancy and was terrified of giving birth, I had little if any worries about how I would be as a mom. I feared having PPD, but I didn’t worry about actually being a mom. It was something I always felt I was meant to do. I craved to bring at least one human into this world and give them the best life possible.
Long story short (for now): I was not prepared at all for the tough parts of postpartum or motherhood. I was not prepared for the feelings of guilt and extreme anxiety. I was not prepared for the loneliness or the fear of taking my baby anywhere. I was not prepared for the physical changes, the impact to my marriage, the phantom cries. I was sure as hell not prepared for breastfeeding. More to come on all of this, but I was just not prepared. I often wish I was, but then again, I wonder if you ever can be.
9 months in, I can truly say being a part is the toughest, scariest, and yet best thing I’ve ever done. The last 18 months have absolutely rocked me physically and mentally, but I can’t imagine my life playing out any other way.
Throughout most of my subsequent posts, I plan to share more details about everything above: my actual pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding. I’ll probably laugh and cry while writing each one.
My goal here is to share an unfiltered view of motherhood, understanding that my experience is completely unique. I hope some of it to be at least relatable.
Thanks for reading and write soon,
Allie